Hope to Die Read online

Page 5

 

  I didnt see Melanie. She was what, two? Certainly no more than three, and too young for a funeral.

  But then so was Anita.

  "Her birthdays in November," Id told Elaine. "Shes three years younger than me, three and a half. That makes her fifty-eight. "

  "God, that seems young. "

  "She had a heart attack. I thought men got heart attacks. "

  "So do women. "

  "She wasnt heavy, she didnt smoke. Although what the hell do I know about it? Maybe she weighed three hundred pounds and chewed cigars. Im trying to remember the last time I saw her. I cant. I spoke to her on the phone when that lunatic Motley was on the loose, killing any woman he could find who was somehow connected to me. I told her she might be in danger and to get out of town for a while. "

  "I remember. "

  "She was pissed off. How dare I interfere in her life? I told her it wasnt by choice, but I have to say I could see her point. You divorce a guy and move on, you dont want to have to run and hide because he got himself on somebodys shit list. "

  "You must have talked to her since then. "

  "I did. I remember now, I called to congratulate her when Melanie was born. Wait a minute, thats wrong. I called, all right. But I got him instead, Thiele, and he said Anita had flown out to see the kid for herself. "

  "And you called Michaels house, and she answered the phone. "

  "Thats right. I remember she kept telling me how beautiful Melanie was, as if she was telling herself as much as she was telling me. It bothered her when Michael and June got married. "

  "I didnt know that. Because shes Chinese?"

  "Uh-huh. So Michael said. Because it would be difficult for them, coming from different cultures, di dah di dah di dah. Thats how she put it, but I think all it was was she didnt want a Chinese daughter-in-law, or grandchildren with slanted eyes. "

  "But she got over it. "

  "Oh, sure. People do. And Anita was never mean-spirited, or particularly narrow-minded. It was just that she didnt know any Asians. Then her son married one and she got used to it. "

  "How do you feel, baby?"

  "About June? I think shes the best thing that ever happened to Michael, with the possible exception of Melanie. But thats not what you mean. "

  "No. "

  "Im not sure how I feel," I said. "Like Ive lost something, but what? She hasnt been in my life for years. "

  "Maybe youve lost part of the past. "

  "Maybe. Whatever it is, I feel sad. "

  "I know. "

  We were silent for a long moment, and then she asked me if I wanted another cup of coffee. I said I thought Monica got the last cup, and anyway I didnt figure I needed any more coffee.

  "She died Saturday morning," I said. "The boys flew in Sunday. I dont know where Andys living now. It was Denver last I heard, but that was a while ago. He doesnt stay anyplace for very long. "

  "Gathers no moss. "

  "They flew in yesterday," I said, "and called me tonight. " I let that hang in the air, and then I said, "The funerals tomorrow. Out in Syosset. "

  "Youll go, wont you?"

  "I suppose so. Pick up a car from Avis and drive out. Its at two in the afternoon, so Ill miss the rush hour going out, and probably coming back, too. " I looked down at my hands. "I cant say Im looking forward to it. "

  "I think you should go, though. "

  "I dont think Ive got much choice. "

  "Do you want me to come? Because I will if you want, and I wont feel hurt if you dont. "

  "I think maybe not," I said.

  "Or I could keep you company and wait in the car, so you wont be parading Anitas replacement in front of all her friends. Or, as far as that goes, T J would be glad to keep you company. "

  "He could wear a chauffeurs cap," I said, "and I could ride in the back seat. No, Ill drive myself, I think, and keep myself company. I dont know that Ill mind the solitude. Ill probably have things to think about. "

  So I sat there in the last row and thought about things, and when the service ended I walked up the aisle and mumbled something to Graham Thiele, something about how sorry I was, and he mumbled something back, assuring me it was good of me to come. We could have phoned it in, both of us. Then I turned to Michael and Andy. They were both wearing suits and ties, of course, and they looked good dressed up like that, my two big handsome sons.

  "Im glad you could come," Michael said. "The service was okay, dont you think?"

  "It seemed fine," I said.

  "Are you going to ride out to the cemetery? I could see if theres room in the limo with us, or you could just join the parade, except they dont call it that. Whats the word?"

  "Cortege," Andy supplied.

  "And afterward were all going back to Grahams house. Uh, their house. "

  "I think Ill pass," I said. "On the house, and on the cemetery. I think Id be out of place. "

  "Well, thats up to you," Michael said. "Strictly your call. "

  Andy said, "Whatever, weve got a job to do. " He was pulling on a pair of black silk gloves. "Were pallbearers," he said. "Its hard to take it all in, you know?"

  "I know. "

  "Theyre going to close the casket. If you want to take a last look at Mom…"

  I didnt much want to, but then I hadnt really wanted to come out to Syosset, either. There are things you just do, and the hell with what you want or dont want. I went over and looked at her and was immediately sorry I had. She looked dead, waxen, looked as though she had never been alive in the first place.

  I turned away and blinked a few times but the image was still there. It would stay with me for a while, I knew, and then it would fade, and eventually I would remember the woman I used to know, the woman Id married, the woman Id fallen in love with once upon a time.

  I looked for my sons and there they were, both wearing the black pallbearers gloves now, both with expressions that were hard to read. "Maybe we could meet someplace afterward," I suggested. "Its what, two years since I last saw you, Mike? And I cant remember the last time I saw you, Andy. "

  "I can," he said, "because its the last time I was in New York. Four years ago, and I met Elaine for the first time, and the three of us walked to a restaurant and had dinner. "

  "Paris Green. "

  "Thats the one. "

  "Well, is there a place here in Syosset where we can meet? A coffee shop or something? After the cemetery, and after youve had a chance to see people back at the house. "

  They exchanged glances. Michael said, "Once we get back to the house, I think we have to stay there. Theres a lot of people wholl be dropping in, and I think wed be missed if we slipped out. "

  "Mom had a lot of friends," Andy said.

  "Maybe between the cemetery and the house," I said. But theyd be riding in the limo, Michael said, and Andy said the limod bring them back here, that was the plan, and theyd get their own cars.

  "So June can drive your car back," he said, "and Ill run you and me over to Hersheys. "

  "God, not the Hershey Bar," Michael said. To me he said, "Its a beer bar, its all high school and college kids, its crowded and noisy. You wouldnt like it. As far as that goes, I wouldnt like it. "

  "You used to," Andy said. "Before you turned into an old man. Anyway, its an afternoon in the middle of the week. How rowdy do you think its going to be?"

  "Jesus, the Hershey Bar," Michael said.

  "Well, pick someplace better, if you can think of one. "

  "I cant, and theyre waiting for us, so I guess its the Hershey Bar. " He gave me quick directions and then the two of them let one of the mortuary staff guide them to their places on opposite sides of the now-sealed casket. Anitas brother, Phil, had the spot behind Andy, and there were three other men whom I didnt recognize.

  I left them to their work.

  I drove out to the cemetery after all. I hadnt planned on it, but somehow my car wound up queueing along with the others, and I sat there and followed
the car in front of me. We had a police escort, so we didnt have to stop for traffic lights, and I told myself the cops out here had it easy, with nothing to do but take an occasional run out to the cemetery. But I knew better. They have crime on Long Island, and people selling drugs and other people using them, and men who batter their wives and abuse their children, and others who drive drunk and plow head-on into a school bus. They dont have Crips and Bloods and drive-by shootings yet, not that Ive heard, but they probably wont have long to wait.

  I stayed in my car at the cemetery while everybody else walked over to the graveside for the service. I could see them from where I was parked, and as soon as the service was over I started my engine and found my way out of there.

  I hadnt paid close attention to the route to the cemetery- you dont when all you have to do is tag along after the car in front of you- and I took a few wrong turns on the way back, and a few more finding my way to the Hershey Bar. I parked and went in, expecting my sons would already be there, but the place was empty except for the bartender, a blue-jawed skinhead in a Metallica T-shirt, its sleeves rolled up to show health club muscles, and his sole customer, an old man in a cloth cap and a thrift-shop overcoat. The old fellow looked like he belonged on a bar stool at the Blarney Stone or the White Rose, but here he was at a college kids bar in Syosset, drinking his beer out of a heavy glass mug.

  There were college pennants on the rough wooden walls, and beer steins hanging from the exposed beams, and the bar and tabletops held bowls of miniature chocolate bars. Hershey bars, of course, in several varieties, along with foil-wrapped Hersheys Kisses. It was consistent with the name of the joint, to be sure, but why would anyone want to nibble chocolate as an accompaniment to beer? I could think of several bars that used to set out complimentary bowls of peanuts in the shell, and I remembered the chickpeas at Maxs Kansas City, but whod want to pair a Dos Equis or a St. Pauli Girl with a Hersheys Kiss?

  The bartender was looking at me, eyebrows raised, and I didnt want a beer or a chocolate bar. I wanted bourbon, better make it a double, straight up, and leave the bottle.

  I patted my pockets as if Id lost something- my wallet, my car keys, my cigarettes. "Be right back," I said, and got out of there and sat in my car. I turned the key so I could play the radio, and I found a station that featured what they called Classic Country, which Elaine would call a contradiction in terms. But they played Hank Williams and Patsy Cline and Red Foley and Kitty Wells, and then Mike and Andy pulled in and got out of a gray Honda Accord. When they reached the entrance Mike said something, and Andy gave him a poke in the shoulder and held the door open, and the two of them disappeared inside.

  I waited for the last notes of "It Wasnt God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels. " Then I went in after them.

  FOUR

  Mike ordered a Heinekens and I said Id have a glass of Coke. The bartender asked if Pepsi would be all right, and I said it would be fine. Neither one was what I wanted, but I wasnt going to have what I wanted, and the fact was I didnt really want it anymore. The urge had been strong enough to get me the hell out of there, but wanting a drink is a world away from having one, and now the wanting had passed. A Coke would have been fine, and a Pepsi would be fine, and so would a glass of water, or nothing at all.