The Burglar in the Library Read online

  “Like the Mondrian hanging in your apartment.”

  I nodded. “Exactly like the Mondrian,” I said.

  “Lettice thinks it’s a fake, because how would you come to have a real Mondrian? You got it the old-fashioned way. You stole it.”

  “I really enjoy owning that painting,” I said, “and the fact that it’s stolen doesn’t lessen the enjoyment a bit. So what if I can’t ever sell it? And so what if I can’t sell The Big Sleep? I’ll get as much or more satisfaction out of sitting in my chair and looking up from my book at my painting. Then I’ll have another small sip of Glen Drumnadrochit, and then I’ll read some more Chandler and look some more at Mondrian.”

  “Where did the Drumnadrochit come from?”

  “Scotland, originally. By way of Cuttleford House, because I stuck two bottles of it in my bag on my way out the door.”

  “That’s a terrible thing to do, Bern. Two bottles?”

  “Uh-huh. One’s for you.”

  “Oh,” she said, and thought about it. “Maybe it’s not so terrible.”

  I was reading Raymond Chandler and sipping Glen Drumnadrochit when the phone rang.

  “It’s me,” she said. “Bern, what about the cook?”

  “The cook?”

  “At Cuttleford House. Who killed her and why?”

  “Beats me,” I said.

  “But—”

  “According to Ray,” I said, “they can’t determine the cause of death, beyond saying it was cardiac arrest. In other words her heart stopped beating, and it’s a rare case of death when that doesn’t happen. They couldn’t find any trace of poison, though it’s hard to say how thorough a toxicological scan they did. It’s possible she had a heart attack, or a brain aneurysm, or a stroke. On the other hand, when people are getting killed left and right, it’s hard to believe that a death like hers could be completely accidental.”

  “She could have heard something on the radio,” she said. “A news flash, and it shed some light on what was going on, and somebody knew that she knew, and killed her.”

  “It’s possible.”

  “Or she could have witnessed something, or overheard something.”

  “She could have,” I agreed.

  “Or somebody else had it in for her,” she said, “for reasons that had nothing to do with Rathburn or Wolpert or Dakin Littlefield. And whoever it was just seized the opportunity.”

  “Maybe that’s how it happened.”

  “But which is it, Bern?”

  I shrugged, even though she couldn’t see it over the phone. “We’ll never know,” I said.

  “But—”

  “It’s perfect,” I said. “It’s so Raymond Chandler. You know the story of when they were filming The Big Sleep? They were going over the script, and somebody wanted to know who killed the chauffeur. And nobody could figure it out, so somebody thought of calling Chandler, since after all he was the one who wrote the book. So they called him and asked him.”

  “And?”

  “He said he didn’t know. Isn’t that great? Just because he wrote the book didn’t mean he knew who killed the chauffeur. And we’ll never know who killed the cook. Just like Raymond Chandler.”

  There was a long silence. “I don’t know,” she said at length. “The English mysteries may be a lot less realistic, what with people getting killed with tropical fish and all, but there’s something awfully satisfying in the way it all works out in the end. If a cook dies, by the end of the book you always know who killed her.”

  “And it’s generally the butler,” I said, “whereas the real world is a lot less certain, and there are things you never do find out. I realize it’s frustrating, but you can live with it, can’t you?”

  “What the hell,” she said. “I guess I’ll have to.”

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  The author is pleased to acknowledge the contribution of the Ragdale Foundation, of Lake Forest, Illinois, where this book was begun, and of John B. Keane's public house in Listowel, County Kerry, where it was exhaustively contemplated.

  About the Author

  A Mystery Writers of America Grand Master, LAWRENCE BLOCK is a four-time winner of the Edgar® and Shamus awards, as well as a recipient of prizes in France, Germany, and Japan. He also received the British Crime Writers’ Association’s prestigious Cartier Diamond Dagger for lifetime achievement in crime writing. The author of more than fifty books and numerous short stories, he is a devout New Yorker and enthusiastic world traveler. Readers can visit his website at www. lawrenceblock.com.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

  Praise for

  New York Times bestselling Grand Master LAWRENCE BLOCK’s THE BURGLAR IN THE LIBRARY

  "As easy to enjoy—and as refreshing—as that cool drink at your side…. Just kick back and relax…. One reads The Burglar in the Library for its American-style coziness, for an easygoing tone that touches on screwball comedy while achieving a denouement that is straight Raymond Chandler…. [It] may not change your life, but it will certainly make your day."

  Washington Post Book World

  "The next time I read a Lawrence Block 'Burglar' mystery, I've got to remember not to read it on the bus. I always forget just how funny he is, get on the bus, start reading, end up laughing out loud, then getting really nasty stares from my fellow passengers. The Burglar in the Library almost got me decked…. The dialogue just 'snaps, crackles and pops.' Bernie Rhodenbarr is such an outrageous and witty character you wish he were real."

  San Francisco Examiner

  "Wittily diverting…rather like an Agatha Christie novel narrated by Basil Fawlty, or a game of Clue organized by Monty Python."

  Entertainment Weekly

  "Another interesting outing with the lovable Bernie."

  Chattanooga Times

  "The Burglar in the Library… is one of the best…. Block and Bernie are quick and clever in this spoof of Agatha Christie and others. Bernie the burglar has to become Bernie the sleuth and does so quite well amid a gaggle of intriguing characters.

  San Antonio Express-News

  "[Rhodenbarr] is one of Block’s most stylish creations, and this new outing is cause for rejoicing. It’s delightful, light-hearted fun…pure pleasure."

  Publishers Weekly

  "Without roughing up Bernie’s eccentric but finely tuned character, Block gives him a passionate criminal mission in The Burglar in the Library that hones his wit, challenges his technical expertise, and also gets him out of the neighborhood."

  New York Times Book Review

  "All the campy, screwball comedy and witty allusiveness that made the previous [Burglar novels] so popular…. There has been no kinder, fairer or more literate lock-picker since Raffles bagged baubles in Victorian homes…. The Burglar in the Library is good, literate fun. I'd call it a perfect book for the beach—except you might lose track of time and be burned to a crisp."

  Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

  "Mr. Block serves up suave writing with a clever, intricate plot. A visit with Bernie is always entertaining."

  Washington Times

  "A clever and witty homage to those body-in-the-library mysteries of Agatha Christie…. The Burglar in the Library is a must for mystery fans. Bernie is a likable narrator and a crack detective…. Carolyn provides an excellent twist on the long-suffering-yet-helpful companion, and the plot itself would give Christie fits. Or, as it turns out, Chandler."

  Fort Worth Star-Telegram

  "The Burglar in the Library…is a hip and charming send-up of every Agatha Christie novel you've ever read, with a little Raymond Chandler thrown in for ballast…. Block does it all with such a light touch that the casual reader may fail to recognize that there's some very good writing going on here…. A perfectly satisfying experience. The dialogue is crisp, the concept witty and the pace is more than brisk."

  Buffalo News

  "Beguiling…delightful…. But it is cleverer and mo
re enjoyable than merely having fun at Agatha's expense. There are aspects of Feydeau farce, bit of Philip Marlowe, lively characters and Bernie on eruditely witty form."

  Times of London

  "A page-turner of a story, peppered with plenty of light humor even as the dead bodies begin to pile up."

  Charleston Post and Courier

  "A rollicking good time with a snowbound bunch in an old inn, and a corpse in the library. Should Agatha Christie sue?"

  Dayton Daily News

  Books by Lawrence Block

  The Bernie Rhodenbarr Mysteries

  BURGLARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS • THE BURGLAR IN THE CLOSET • THE BURGLAR WHO LIKED TO QUOTE KIPLING • THE BURGLAR WHO STUDIED SPINOZA • THE BURGLAR WHO PAINTED LIKE MONDRIAN • THE BURGLAR WHO TRADED TED WILLIAMS • THE BURGLAR WHO THOUGHT HE WAS BOGART • THE BURGLAR IN THE LIBRARY • THE BURGLAR IN THE RYE • THE BURGLAR ON THE PROWL

  The Matthew Scudder Novels

  THE SINS OF THE FATHERS • TIME TO MURDER AND CREATE • IN THE MIDST OF DEATH • A STAB IN THE DARK • EIGHT MILLION WAYS TO DIE • WHEN THE SACRED GINMILL CLOSES • OUT ON THE CUTTING EDGE • A TICKET TO THE BONEYARD • A DANCE AT THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE • A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES • THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD • A LONG LINE OF DEAD MEN • EVEN THE WICKED • EVERYBODY DIES • HOPE TO DIE • ALL THE FLOWERS ARE DYING

  Keller's Greatest Hits

  HIT MAN • HIT LIST • HIT PARADE SMALL TOWN

  Collected Short Stories

  ENOUGH ROPE

  Copyright

  This book is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  THE BURGLAR IN THE LIBRARY. Copyright © 1997 by Lawrence Block. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  EPub Edition © AUGUST 2007 ISBN: 9780061842559

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  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Acknowledgment

  About the Author

  Praise

  Other Books by Lawrence Block

  Copyright

  About the Publisher