The Burglar Who Painted Like Mondrian Read online

  “Right.”

  “Denise painted three acrylic fakes, Turnquist painted two oil fakes, and Mondrian painted one. Except his was a real one, and are you gonna keep me in suspense forever, Bern? What happens to the real one?”

  “It’s going to go to the rightful owner.”

  “Elspeth Petrosian? Or Alison? She’s got as much real claim on it as her cousin.”

  “Speaking of Alison—”

  “Yeah,” she said heavily. “Speaking of Alison. When you figured they were cousins, that was how you knew Elspeth Peters was Armenian. And you looked through the phone book and—”

  “Not quite. I looked through papers in Alison’s office and found out her maiden name. That’s a little simpler than reading the phone book.”

  “Is that where you got the cat?” She put a hand on mine. “I couldn’t help figuring it out, Bernie. She took my cat, didn’t she? And that’s why she used the Nazi voice when she talked with me, because I would have recognized her real voice. She talked normally with you because she’d never met you. And she was nervous when we got to my place and you were there, because she thought you might recognize her voice from over the phone. Did you?”

  “Not really. I was too busy recognizing the resemblance between her and her cousin Elspeth.”

  “She wasn’t really that bad,” Carolyn said thoughtfully. “She didn’t hurt Archie, except for cutting his whiskers, and that’s a far cry from mutilating him. And the closer she and I got, the more reassuring the Nazi became over the phone, until there was a point where I pretty much stopped worrying about the cat. You know something? When we got back to the apartment and the cat was there, I think she was as relieved as I was.”

  “I wouldn’t be surprised.”

  She sipped her drink. “Bern? How’d she get past my locks?”

  “She didn’t.”

  “Huh?”

  “Your cats liked her, remember? Especially Archie. She went through another building into the courtyard and coaxed him through the bars of the window. A person couldn’t get in, but a cat could get out. That’s one reason there were no traces of her visit inside the apartment. She never went inside the apartment except when she was with you. She didn’t have to. The cat walked right out into her arms.”

  “When did you dope that out?”

  “When I saw Ubi measuring the distance between the bars with his whiskers. They fit, which meant his head would fit, which meant his whole body would fit, and I knew that’s how it was done. Which meant it had to be done by somebody the cat liked, and you told me early on how much the cat liked Alison.”

  “Yeah, animals are great judges of character. Bernie, were you gonna tell me all this?”

  “Well—”

  “Either you were or you weren’t.”

  “Well, I wasn’t sure. You seemed to be having a good time with Alison and I figured I’d let the relationship run its course before I said anything.”

  “I think it’s run its course.” She knocked back the rest of her drink and sighed philosophically. “Listen, I got my cat back,” she said, “and I had a little excitement, and Alison was a big help at the Hewlett. I don’t know if I could have managed the firecracker and the fire and everything without her. And I got laid, so why should I hold a grudge?”

  “That’s about how I felt about Andrea.”

  “Plus I might want to see her again.”

  “That’s exactly how I felt about Andrea.”

  “Right. So I came out of it okay.”

  “Don’t forget the reward.”

  “Huh?”

  “From the insurance company. The $35,000. Ray’s getting half of what’s left after Wally takes his fee, and the rest gets cut up between you and Denise.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you both worked for it. Denise labored like Michelangelo on the Sistine Chapel, and you risked arrest at the Hewlett, and for that you get rewarded.”

  “What about you, Bern?”

  “I’ve got Appling’s stamps, remember? And his wife’s ruby earrings, except I don’t think they’re rubies. I think they’re spinels. And it’s funny, I almost feel bad about keeping them, but how could I put them back? If there’s one thing I’m sure of it’s that I’m never going to break into the Charlemagne again.”

  “I forgot about the stamps.”

  “Well, I’m going to sell them,” I said, “and then we can all forget about them.”

  “Good idea.” Her fingers drummed the tabletop. “You stole those stamps before any of this happened,” she said. “Well, almost. While you were breaking into Appling’s apartment, Barlow was murdering Onderdonk. That gives me a chill to think about.”

  “Me too, when you put it that way.”

  “But most of what happened came after you took the stamps, and you didn’t get anything for that part of it. You just spent a lot of money and had to post bond.”

  “I’ll get the bond back. I’ll have paid a fee to the bondsman, but that’s no big deal. Wally won’t charge me anything, not with all the business I threw his way. And I had a few incidental expenses, from cab rides to the icepick I planted in Jacobi’s room.”

  “And the chloral hydrate you planted in Onderdonk’s apartment.”

  “That wasn’t chloral hydrate. That was talcum powder.”

  “The cop said it tasted like chloral hydrate.”

  “And Ray said there was a voiceprint record of Jacobi’s telephone tip, and that there was blood on the icepick. This may come as a shock, Carolyn, but cops have been known to tell lies.”

  “It’s a shock, all right. Anyway, you had expenses, and all you get is your freedom.”

  “So?”

  “So don’t you want part of the reward? Thirty-five thousand less Wally’s fee’ll be what? Thirty thousand?”

  “Call it that. I don’t know if he’ll dare grab off that much, but lawyers are hard to figure.”

  “Thirty grand less half to Ray leaves fifteen, and if we cut that three ways it’s five apiece, and that’s plenty. Why don’t you take a third, Bern?”

  I shook my head. “I got the stamps,” I said, “and that’s plenty. And I got something else, too.”

  “What? A shot at Andrea and a shot at Eve DeGrasse? Big deal.”

  “Something else.”

  “What?”

  “I’ll give you a hint,” I said. “It’s all right angles and primary colors, and I’m going to hang it over my couch. I think that’s the best place for it.”

  “Bernie!”

  “I told you,” I said. “The Mondrian’s with its rightful owner. And who do you know who’s got a better right to it?”

  And I’ll tell you something. It looks gorgeous there.

  About the Author

  A Mystery Writers of America Grand Master, LAWRENCE BLOCK is a four-time winner of the Edgar® and Shamus awards, as well as a recipient of prizes in France, Germany, and Japan. He also received the British Crime Writers’ Association’s prestigious Cartier Diamond Dagger for lifetime achievement in crime writing. The author of more than fifty books and numerous short stories, he is a devout New Yorker and enthusiastic world traveler. You can visit his website at www.lawrenceblock.com.

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  Enthusiastic praise for

  THE BURGLAR WHO PAINTED LIKE

  MONDRIAN

  and New York Times

  bestselling Grand Master

  LAWRENCE BLOCK’s

  BERNIE RHODENBARR

  “Wonderful…Hilarious dialogue and characters you wish you could invite over for supper. Block is a hoot, plain and simple.”

  USA Today

  “The writing is bright and sophisticated, with a touch of Donald Westlake, and the book is a lot of fun.”

  New York Times Book Review

  “It’s the mark of an innovative storyteller to turn a normally reprehensible character into a hero�
�of sorts. Author Lawrence Block’s

  Bernie the burglar series aren’t just good mysteries, they are supreme escapism.”

  Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel

  “Lawrence Block is a master of the art of the mystery…Bernie’s a great burglar and a funny guy.”

  New Orleans Times-Picayune

  “Delightful.”

  San Antonio Express News

  “There are reasons why Lawrence Block is called ‘grand master’…Even if the perps strolled free, nothing would be lost just by picking locks with

  Bernie. He’s that entertaining.”

  New York Daily News

  “Bernie Rhodenbarr is the perfect companion if you’re spending a week at the beach, catching a plane to Omaha, or just seeking an escape from the demands of the day.”

  Tampa Tribune

  “The funniest of the Bernie Rhodenbarr series, even if you don’t know Mondrian from Cristo.”

  Buffalo News

  “Fun…witty…certain to be popular with fans of [the] series, but new readers will find [it] accessible and enjoyable.”

  Indianapolis Star

  “Have you read Block’s [Rhodenbarr] mysteries?

  You should. They are a real kick.”

  Denver Rocky Mountain News

  “Rhodenbarr is one of the slickest characters in crime, and Block…one of the most talented writers.”

  Houston Chronicle

  “Having a burglar for a hero is tricky, to say the least. Is he a bad good guy or a good bad guy, and does crime pay or doesn’t it?…Block maneuvers around these moral S-curves with great agility…Block’s effortless first-person narrative and zippy dialogue is as pleasing as escapist fare ever gets.”

  Los Angeles Times Book Review

  “Lawrence Block has been around for a long time and written a lot of books…but our favorites are probably those featuring Bernie Rhodenbarr.”

  Denver Post

  “Readers feel as if they’re catching up on the progress of very well-drawn characters whom they’ve come to think of as chums…

  It’s the snappy patter that moves Block’s burglar books along…His characters, and especially Bernie, make wonderful wisecracks.”

  Washington Post Book World

  “One of his better Bernie Rhodenbarr mysteries.”

  Chattanooga Times

  Books by Lawrence Block

  The Bernie Rhodenbarr Mysteries

  BURGLARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS • THE BURGLAR IN THE CLOSET • THE BURGLAR WHO LIKED TO QUOTE KIPLING • THE BURGLAR WHO STUDIED SPINOZA • THE BURGLAR WHO PAINTED LIKE MONDRIAN • THE BURGLAR WHO TRADED TED WILLIAMS • THE BURGLAR WHO THOUGHT HE WAS BOGART • THE BURGLAR IN THE LIBRARY • THE BURGLAR IN THE RYE • THE BURGLAR ON THE PROWL

  The Matthew Scudder Novels

  THE SINS OF THE FATHERS • TIME TO MURDER AND CREATE • IN THE MIDST OF DEATH • A STAB IN THE DARK • EIGHT MILLION WAYS TO DIE • WHEN THE SACRED GINMILL CLOSES • OUT ON THE CUTTING EDGE • A TICKET TO THE BONEYARD • A DANCE AT THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE • A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES • THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD • A LONG LINE OF DEAD MEN • EVEN THE WICKED • EVERYBODY DIES • HOPE TO DIE • ALL THE FLOWERS ARE DYING

  Keller’s Greatest Hits

  HIT MAN • HIT LIST • SMALL TOWN

  Collected Short Stories

  ENOUGH ROPE

  COPYRIGHT

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  THE BURGLAR WHO PAINTED LIKE MONDRIAN. Copyright © 1983 by Lawrence BlockAll rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  EPub Edition © JULY 2005 ISBN: 9780061836800

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  About the Publisher

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  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  About the Author

  Praise

  Other Books by Lawrence Block

  Copyright

  About the Publisher