The Burglar Who Liked to Quote Kipling Read online

  “Here I thought it was my engaging smile. Does she like the bracelet?”

  “Loves it.” She grinned up at me. “I went over there last night to return the Polaroid. She never even noticed it was missing. I gave her the bracelet as a peace offering, and I told her everything, and—”

  “And you’re back together again.”

  “Well, last night we were. I wouldn’t want to make any long-range projections. I’ll tell you, the way to that woman’s heart is through her wrist.”

  “Whatever works.”

  “Yeah. ‘You wouldn’t want to go and wear it on the East Side,’ I told her. ‘Because it’s just the least bit hot.’ ”

  “Did you talk like that when you told her? Out of the side of your mouth?”

  “Yeah. It really got to her. I swear the next time I buy her something I’m gonna tell her I stole it.” She sighed. “Okay, Bern. What do we do about the Blinns?”

  “I’ll think of something.”

  “I was gonna tell you, but—”

  “I could tell you were eager to discuss it. The way you were so anxious to talk about the Blinns and all.”

  “Well, I—”

  “It’s cool,” I said. “Relax and eat your hummus.”

  A little later she said, “Listen, Randy’s got a dance class tonight. You want to come by after work? We can have dinner in or out and then catch a movie or something.”

  “I’d love to,” I said, “but tonight’s out.”

  “Heavy date?”

  “Not exactly.” I hesitated, then figured what the hell. “When we meet for drinks tonight,” I said, “I’ll make mine Perrier.”

  She sat forward, eyes wide. “No shit. You’re going on a caper?”

  “That’s not the word I’d use, but yeah, that’s about it.”

  “Where?”

  “Forest Hills Gardens.”

  “The same neighborhood as the last time?”

  “The same house. The coat I described to Ray Kirschmann wasn’t a fantasy. I saw it Wednesday night in Elfrida Arkwright’s closet. And I promised it to Ray, and when I make promises to cops I like to keep them. So I’m going back there tonight to get it.”

  “Won’t Elfrida object?”

  “Elfrida’s not home. She visited her hubby in jail yesterday, and then she went home and thought things through, and then she packed a bag and took off for parts unknown. Home to Mama, maybe. Or home to Palm Beach. I guess she didn’t want to stick around for the notoriety.”

  “I can dig that.” She cocked her head and there was a faraway look in her eye. “He’s got it coming,” she said. “The bastard killed his mistress and he’s not going to serve time for it. I remember when you were describing the house to me, Bern. You said you wanted to back up a truck onto the front lawn and steal everything from the chandeliers down to the rugs.”

  “I had the impulse.”

  “Is that what you’re gonna do?”

  “No.”

  “You’re just taking the coat?”

  “Well…”

  “You said there was jewelry, didn’t you? Maybe you can find something to replace Gert Blinn’s bracelet.”

  “The thought had crossed my mind.”

  “And there’s a coin collection.”

  “I remember the coin collection, Carolyn.”

  “I remember the other things you mentioned. Are you going to take the Pontiac?”

  “I think that might be pushing my luck.”

  “You’ll steal some other car, then.”

  “I suppose so.”

  “Take me with you.”

  “Huh?”

  “Why not?” She leaned forward, laid a hand on my arm. “Why the hell not, Bern? I can help. I didn’t get in the way when we stole Randy’s Polaroid, did I?”

  “We borrowed Randy’s Polaroid.”

  “Bullshit. We stole it. Then we happened to give it back when we were done with it. If you look at it that way, I’m an old hand at this breaking-and-entering business. Take me along, Bern. Please? I’ll get rubber gloves and cut the palms out, I’ll pass up my after-work drink, I’ll do anything you say. Please?”

  “Jesus,” I said. “You’re… you’re an honest citizen, Carolyn. No record. A respectable position in the community.”

  “I wash dogs, Bern. Big hairy deal.”

  “There’s a risk.”

  “Screw the risk.”

  “And I always work alone, see. I never use a partner.”

  “Oh.” Her face fell. “Well, that’s it, then. I didn’t think of it that way. I’d probably be a drag anyway, wouldn’t I? It’s okay, Bern. I don’t mind.”

  “No drink after work.”

  “Not a drop. I can come?”

  “And you can’t ever tell a soul. Not Randy, not some future lover. Nobody.”

  “My lips are sealed. Are you serious? I can come?”

  I shrugged. “What the hell,” I said. “You were handy the other night. You might be useful to have around.”

  About the Author

  A Mystery Writers of America Grand Master, LAWRENCE BLOCK is a four-time winner of the Edgar Allan Poe® and Shamus awards, as well as a recipient of prizes in France, Germany, and Japan. He also received the British Crime Writers’ Association’s prestigious Cartier Diamond Dagger for lifetime achievement in crime writing. The author of more than fifty books and numerous short stories, he is a devout New Yorker and enthusiastic world traveler. You can visit his website at www.lawrenceblock.com.

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  Almost criminally enthusiastic praise for

  New York Times bestselling Grand Master

  LAWRENCE BLOCK’s

  BERNIE RHODENBARR and

  The

  Burglar

  who liked to

  Quote

  Kipling

  “MY FAVORITE.”

  Spokane Spokesman Review

  “Readers get a funny lesson in rare book economics and breaking and entering. Rhodenbarr is a wonderful New York character with a knack for surrounding himself with colorful eccentrics…

  BITE, WIT, AND ENOUGH STYLISH ATTITUDE

  to power the Plaza for a week.”

  New York Daily News

  “BERNIE RHODENBARR IS THE PERFECT COMPANION

  if you’re spending a week at the beach, catching a plane to Omaha, or just seeking an escape from the demands of the day.”

  Tampa Tribune

  “THIS RHODENBARR ROMP IS SAUCY AND BRIGHT…

  If you like Donald Westlake’s capers, you’ll like Bernie.”

  Washington Post Book World

  “Notre Dame at dusk. Pepys’ account of the Great Fire of London. A really good cashmere coat. Some treasures are timeless… I feel like putting Bernie Rhodenbarr on that list…

  BERNIE IS ONE WRY GUY AND SOME PIECE OF WORK.”

  New York Times Book Review

  “LAWRENCE BLOCK IS A MASTER OF THE ART OF THE MYSTERY…

  Bernie’s a great burglar and a funny guy.”

  New Orleans Times-Picayune

  “ONE OF THE FINEST MYSTERY WRITERS OF OUR TIME.”

  Houston Chronicle

  “It’s the mark of an innovative storyteller to turn a normally reprehensible character into a hero—of sorts. Author Lawrence Block’s

  BERNIE THE BURGLAR SERIES AREN’T JUST GOOD MYSTERIES, THEY ARE SUPREME ESCAPISM.”

  Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel

  “[Block’s] written dialogue has the honesty of a conversation overheard on a bus…

  BERNIE RHODENBARR IS A LOT-OF-LAUGHS BURGLAR.”

  USA Today

  “VINTAGE BLOCK…

  [His] effortless style sweeps Rhodenbarr through a complex plot with ease. The laid-back technique precisely matches the misadventures of the delightful thief.”

  St. Louis Post-Dispatch

  “Having a burglar for a hero is tricky, to
say the least. Is he a bad good guy or a good bad guy, and does crime pay or doesn’t it?…

  BLOCK MANEUVERS AROUND THESE MORAL S-CURVES WITH GREAT AGILITY…

  Block’s effortless first-person narrative and zippy dialogue is as pleasing as escapist fare ever gets.”

  Lost Angeles Times Book Review

  “Good mystery and good comedy, mined from the same vein Dashiell Hammett tapped for his ‘Thin Man.’

  BLOCK’S BURGLAR SERIES IS ONE OF CRIME FICTION’S BEST.”

  South Bend Tribune

  “With a writer like Block,

  A MASTER PLOTTER,

  trying to figure out the guilty party can definitely keep you turning the pages.”

  Toronto Star

  “BLOCK IS A MASTER OF WITTY DIALOGUE,

  plotting and pace, and the series’ wacky, offbeat characters make great companions.”

  Cleveland Plain Dealer

  Other Books by Lawrence Block

  The Bernie Rhodenbarr Mysteries

  BURGLARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS • THE BURGLAR IN THE CLOSET • THE BURGLAR WHO LIKED TO QUOTE KIPLING • THE BURGLAR WHO STUDIED SPINOZA • THE BURGLAR WHO PAINTED LIKE MONDRIAN • THE BURGLAR WHO TRADED TED WILLIAMS • THE BURGLAR WHO THOUGHT HE WAS BOGART • THE BURGLAR IN THE LIBRARY • THE BURGLAR IN THE RYE • THE BURGLAR ON THE PROWL

  The Matthew Scudder Novels

  THE SINS OF THE FATHERS • TIME TO MURDER AND CREATE • IN THE MIDST OF DEATH • A STABINTHE DARK • EIGHT MILLION WAYS TO DIE • WHEN THE SACRED GINMILL CLOSES • OUT ON THE CUTTING EDGE • A TICKET TO THE BONEYARD • A DANCE AT THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE • A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES • THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD • A LONG LINE OF DEAD MEN • EVEN THE WICKED • EVERYBODY DIES • HOPE TO DIE

  Keller’s Greatest Hits

  HIT MAN • HIT LIST

  Collected Short Stories

  ENOUGH ROPE

  Copyright

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  THE BURGLAR WHO LIKED TO QUOTE KIPLING. Copyright © 1979 by Lawrence Block. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  EPub Edition © FEBRUARY 2005 ISBN: 9780061828195

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  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  About the Author

  Praise for Lawrence Block

  Other Books by Lawrence Block

  Copyright

  About the Publisher