Keller's Horoscope Read online

  Keller’s Horoscope

  Lawrence Block

  * * *

  Copyright © 2001, Lawrence Block

  Ebook Edition, copyright © 2013, Lawrence Block

  All Rights Reserved

  Ebook Design: JW Manus

  Keller’s Horoscope

  KELLER GOT OUT OF the taxi at Bleecker and Broadway because that was easier than trying to tell the Haitian cab driver how to find Crosby Street. He walked to Maggie’s building, a former warehouse with a forbidding exterior, and rode up to her fifth-floor loft. She was waiting for him, wearing a black canvas coat of the sort you saw in Western movies. It was called a duster, probably because it was cut long to keep the dust off. Maggie was a small woman—elfin, he had decided, was a good word for her—and this particular duster reached clear to the floor.

  “Surprise,” she said, and flung it open, and there was nothing under it but her.

  KELLER, WHO’D MET MAGGIE Griscomb at an art gallery, had been keeping infrequent company with her for a while now. Just the other day a chance remark of his had led Dot to ask if he was seeing anybody, and he’d been stuck for an answer. Was he? It was hard to say.

  “It’s a superficial relationship,” he’d explained.

  “Keller, what other kind is there?”

  “The thing is,” he said, “she wants it that way. We get together once a week, if that. And we go to bed.”

  “Don’t you at least go out for dinner first?”

  “I’ve given up suggesting it. She’s tiny, she probably doesn’t eat much. Maybe eating is something she can only do in private.”

  “You’d be surprised how many people feel that way about sex,” Dot said. “But I’d have to say she sounds like the proverbial sailor’s dream. Does she own a liquor store?”

  She was a failed painter who’d reinvented herself as a jewelry maker.

  “You bought earrings for the last woman in your life,” Dot reminded him. “This one makes her own. What are you going to buy for her?”

  “Nothing.”

  “That’s economical. Between not giving her gifts and not taking her out to dinner, I can’t see this one putting much of a strain on your budget. Can you at least send the woman flowers?”

  “I already did.”

  “Well, it’s something you can do more than once, Keller. That’s one of the nice things about flowers. The little buggers die, so you get to throw them out and make room for fresh ones.”

  “She liked the flowers,” he said, “but she told me once was enough. Don’t do it again, she said.”

  “Because she wants to keep things superficial.”

  “That’s the idea.”

  “Keller,” she said, “I’ve got to hand it to you. You don’t find that many of them, but you sure pick the strange ones.”

  “NOW THAT WAS INTENSE,” Maggie said. “Was it just my imagination, or was that a major earth-shaking experience?”

  “High up there on the Richter scale,” he said.

  “I thought tonight would be special. Full moon tomorrow.”

  “Does that mean we should have waited?”

  “In my experience,” she said, “it’s the day before the full moon that I feel it the strongest.”

  “Feel what?”

  “The moon.”

  “But what is it you feel? What effect does it have on you?”

  “Makes me restless. Heightens my moods. Sort of intensifies things. Same as everybody else, I guess. What about you, Keller? What does the moon do for you?”

  As far as Keller could tell, all the moon did for him was light up the sky a little. Living in the city, where there were plenty of streetlights to take up the slack, he paid little attention to the moon, and might not have noticed if someone took it away. New moon, half moon, full moon—only when he caught an occasional glimpse of it between the buildings did he know what phase it was in.

  Maggie evidently paid more attention to the moon, and attached more significance to it. Well, if the moon had had anything to do with the pleasure they’d just shared, he was grateful to it, and glad to have it around.

  “Besides,” she was saying, “my horoscope says I’m going through a very sexy time.”

  “Your horoscope.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “What do you do, read it every morning?”

  “You mean in the newspaper? Well, I’m not saying I never look, but I wouldn’t rely on a newspaper horoscope for advice and counsel anymore than I’d need Ann Landers to tell me if I have to pet to be popular.”

  “On that subject,” he said, “I’d say you don’t absolutely have to, but what could it hurt?”

  “And who knows,” she said, reaching out for him. “I might even enjoy it.”

  A while later she said, “Newspaper astrology columns are fun, like Peanuts and Doonesbury, but they’re not very accurate. But I got my chart done, and I go in once a year for a tune-up. So I’ll have an idea what to expect over the coming twelve months.”

  “You believe in all that?”

  “Astrology? Well, it’s like gravity, isn’t it?”

  “It keeps things from flying off in space?”

  “It works whether I believe in it or not,” she said. “So I might as well. Besides, I believe in everything.”

  “Like Santa Claus?”

  “And the Tooth Fairy. No, all the occult stuff, like tarot and numerology and palmistry and phrenology and—”

  “What’s that?”

  “Head bumps,” she said, and capped his skull with her hand. “You’ve got some.”

  “I’ve got head bumps?”

  “Uh-huh, but don’t ask me what they mean. I’ve never even been to a phrenologist.”

  “Would you?”

  “Go to one? Sure, if somebody steered me to a good one. In all of these areas, some practitioners are better than others. There are the storefront gypsies who are really just running a scam, but after that you’ve still got different levels of proficiency. Some people have a knack and some just hack away at it. But that’s true in every line of work, isn’t it?”

  It was certainly true in his.

  “What I don’t get,” he said, “is how any of it works. What difference does it make where the stars are when you’re born? What has that got to do with anything?”

  “I don’t know how anything works,” she said, “or why it should. Why does the light go on when I throw the switch? Why do I get wet when you touch me? It’s all a mystery.”

  “But head bumps, for Christ’s sake. Tarot cards.”

  “Sometimes it’s just a way for a person to access her intuition,” she said. “I used to know a woman who could read shoes.”

  “The labels? I don’t follow you.”

  “She’d look at a pair of shoes that you’d owned for a while, and she could tell you things about yourself.”

  “ ‘You need half-soles.’ ”

  “No, like you eat too much starchy food, and you need to express the feminine side of your personality, and the relationship you’re in is stifling your creativity. Things like that.”

  “All by looking at your shoes. And that makes sense to you?”

  “Does sense make sense? Look, do you know what holism is?”

  “Like eating brown rice?”

  “No, that’s whole foods. Holism is like with holograms, the principle’s that any cell in the body represents the entire life in microcosm. That’s why I can rub your feet and make your headache go away.”

  “You can?”

  “Well, not me personally, but a foot reflexologist could. That’s why a palmist can look at your hand and see evidence of physical conditions that have nothing to do with your hands. They show up there, and in the irises of your eyes
, and the bumps on your head.”

  “And the heels of your shoes,” Keller said. “I had my palm read once.”

  “Oh?”

  “A year or two ago. I was at this party, and they had a palmist for entertainment.”

  “Probably not a very good one, if she was hiring out for parties. How good a reading did she give you?”

  “She didn’t.”

  “I thought you said you had your palm read.”

  “I was willing. She wasn’t. I sat down at the table with her and gave her my hand, and she took a good look and gave it back to me.”

  “That’s awful. You must have been terrified.”

  “Of what?”

  “That she saw imminent death in your hand.”

  “It crossed my mind,” he admitted. “But I figured she was just a performer, and this was part of the performance. I was a little edgy the next time I got on a plane—”

  “I’ll bet.”

  “—but it was a routine flight, and time passed and nothing happened, and I forgot about it. I couldn’t tell you the last time I even thought about it.”

  She reached out a hand. “Gimme.”

  “Huh?”

  “Give me your hand. Let’s see what got the bitch in a tizzy.”

  “You can read palms?”

  “Not quite, but I can claim a smattering of ignorance on the subject. Let’s see now, I don’t want to know too much, because it might jeopardize the superficiality of our relationship. There’s your head line, there’s your heart line, there’s your life line. And no marriage lines. Well, you said you’ve never been married, and your hand says you were telling the truth. I can’t say I can see anything here that would make me tell you not to buy any long-playing records.”

  “That’s a relief.”

  “So I bet I know what spooked her. You’ve got a murderer’s thumb.”

  KELLER, WORKING ON HIS stamp collection, kept interrupting himself to look at his thumb. There it was, teaming up with his forefinger to grip a pair of tongs, to pick up a glassine envelope, to hold a magnifying glass. There it was, his own personal mark of Cain. His murderer’s thumb.

  “It’s the particular way your thumb is configured,” Maggie had told him. “See how it goes here? And look at my thumb, or your left thumb, as far as that goes. See the difference?”

  She was able to recognize the murderer’s thumb, he learned, because a childhood friend of hers, a perfectly gentle and non-violent person, had one just like it. A palmist had told her friend it was a murderer’s thumb, and the two of them had looked it up in a book on the subject. And there it was, pictured lifesize and in color, the Murderer’s Thumb, and it was just like her friend Jacqui’s thumb, and, now, just like Keller’s.

  “But she never should have given you your hand back the way she did,” Maggie had assured him. “I don’t know if anybody’s keeping statistics, but I’m sure most of the murderers walking around have two perfectly normal thumbs, while most people who do happen to have a murderer’s thumb have never killed anybody in their life, and never will.”

  “That’s a comfort.”

  “How many people have you killed, Keller?”

  “None, for God’s sake.”

  “And do you sense a burst of homicidal rage in your future?”

  “Not really.”

  “Then I’d say you can relax. You may have a murderer’s thumb, but I don’t think you have to worry about it.”

  He wasn’t worried, not exactly. But he would have to say he was puzzled. How could a man have a murderer’s thumb all his life and be unaware of it? And, when all was said and done, what did it mean?

  He had certainly never paid any particular attention to his thumb. He had been aware that his two thumbs were not identical, that there was something slightly atypical about his right thumb, but it was not eye-catchingly idiosyncratic, not the sort of thing other kids would notice, much less taunt you about. He’d given it about as much thought over the years as he gave to the nail on the big toe of his left foot, which was marked with ridges.

  Hit man’s toe, he thought.

  He was poring over a price list, France & Colonies, wrestling with some of the little decisions a stamp collector was called upon to make, when the phone rang. He picked it up, and it was Dot.

  He made the usual round trip by train, Grand Central to White Plains and back again. He packed a bag before he went to bed that night, and in the morning he caught a cab to JFK and a plane to Tampa. He rented a Ford Escort and drove to Indian Rocks Beach, which sounded more like a headline in Variety than a place to live. But that’s what it was, and, though he didn’t see any Indians or rocks, it would have been hard to miss the beach. It was a beauty, and he could see why they had all these condos on it, and vacation timeshares.

  The man Keller was looking for, an Ohioan named Stillman, had just moved in for a week’s stay in a beachfront apartment on the fourth floor of Gulf Water Towers. There was an attendant in the lobby, Keller noticed, but he didn’t figure to be as hard to get past as the Maginot Line.

  But would he even need to find out? Stillman had just arrived from sunless Cincinnati, and how much time was he going to spend inside? No more than he had to, Keller figured. He’d want to get out there and soak up some rays, maybe splash in the Gulf a little, then zone out some more in the sun.

  Keller’s packing had included swim trunks, and he found a men’s room and put them on. He didn’t have a towel to lie on—he hadn’t taken a room yet—but he could always lie on the sand.

  It turned out he didn’t have to. As he was walking along the public beach, he saw a woman approach a man, her hands cupped. She was holding water, and she threw it on the man, who sprang to his feet. They laughed joyously as he chased her into the surf. There they frolicked, perfect examples of young hormone-driven energy, and Keller figured they’d be frolicking for a while. They’d left two towels on the sand, anonymous unidentifiable white beach towels, and Keller decided one was all they needed. It would easily accommodate the two of them when they tired of splashing and ducking one another.

  He picked up the other towel and walked off with it. He spread it out on the sand at the private beach for Gulf Water Towers residents. A glance left and right revealed no one who in any way resembled George Stillman, so Keller stretched out on his back and closed his eyes. The sun, a real stranger to New York of late, was evidently wholly at home in Florida, and felt wonderful on his skin. If it took a while to find Stillman, that was okay with him.

  BUT IT DIDN’T.

  Keller opened his eyes after half an hour or so. He sat up and looked around, feeling a little like Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog’s Day. When he failed to see either Stillman or his own shadow, he lay down and closed his eyes again.

  The next time he opened them was when he heard a man cursing. He sat up, and not twenty yards away was a barrel-chested man, balding and jowly, calling his right hand every name in the book.

  How could the fellow be that mad at his own hand? Of course he might have a murderer’s thumb, but what if he did? Keller had one himself, and had never felt the need to talk to it in those terms.

  Oh, hell, of course. The man was on a cell phone. And, by God, he was Stillman. The face had barely registered on Keller at first, his attention held by the angry voice and the keg-shaped torso thickly pelted with black hair. None of that had been visible in the head-and-shoulders shot Dot had shown him, and it was what you noticed, but it was the same face, and here he was, and wasn’t that handy?

  While Stillman took the sun, Keller did the same. When Stillman got up and walked to the water’s edge, so did Keller. When Stillman waded in, to test his mettle in the surf, Keller followed in his wake.

  When Keller came ashore, Stillman stayed behind. And, by the time Keller left the beach, carrying two towels and a cellular phone, Stillman had still not emerged from the water.

  WHY A THUMB?

  Keller, back in New York, pondered the question. He couldn’t s
ee what a thumb had to do with murder. When you used a gun, it was your index finger that gave the trigger a squeeze. When you used a knife, you held it in your palm with your fingers curled around the handle. Your thumb might press the hilt, as a sort of guide, but a man could have no thumbs at all and still get the business end of a knife to go where he wanted it.

  Did you use your thumbs when you garroted somebody? He mimed the motion, letting his hands remember, and he didn’t see where the thumbs had much of a part to play. Manual strangulation, now that was different, and you did use your thumbs, you used all of both hands, and would have a hard time otherwise.

  Still, why a murderer’s thumb?

  “HERE’S WHAT I DON’T get,” Dot said. “You go off to some half-a-horse town at the ass end of nowhere special and you poke around for a week or two. Then you go to a vacation paradise in the middle of a New York winter and you’re back the same day. The same day!”

  “I had an opening and I took it,” he said. “I wait and maybe I never get that good a shot at him again.”

  “I realize that, Keller, and God knows I’m not complaining. It just seems like a shame, that’s all. Here you are, the two of you, fresh off a couple of planes from the frozen North, and before either one of you gets the chill out of your bones, you’re on a flight to New York and he’s rapidly approaching room temperature.”

  “Water temperature.”

  “I stand corrected.”

  “And it was like a bathtub.”

  “That’s nice,” she said. “He could have opened his veins in it, but after you held his head underwater for a few minutes he no longer felt the need to. But couldn’t you have waited a few days? You’d have come home with a tan and he’d have gone into the ground with one. You meet your Maker, you want to look your best.”

  “Sure,” he said. “Dot, have you ever noticed anything odd about my thumb?”

  “Your thumb?”

  “This one. Does it look strange to you?”

  “You know,” she said, “I’ve got to hand it to you, Keller. That’s the most complete change of subject I’ve ever encountered in my life. I’d be hard put to remember what we were talking about before we started talking about your thumb.”